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Tips for celebrating without fireworks

Posted at 11:10 AM, Jul 04, 2021
and last updated 2021-07-04 12:17:00-04

If you're willing to celebrate the Forth of July without explosive pyrotechnic devices that set fires, scare animals and trigger veterans with PTSD, here are some tips.

The Portland District U.S. Army Corps of Engineers created a Facebook post that offers tips for an explosive-free Independence Day celebration.

"It’s hot. It’s dry. But you’re bursting at the seams with raw, unbridled patriotism. How will you express it all if not with fireworks? Luckily, we came up with some ideas for you," the post states.

Here are their tips:

  • Run through an open field at full speed screaming the “Star Spangled Banner” at the top of your lungs.
  • Sweat it out with an interpretive ribbon dance. Red, white and blue streamers, anyone?
  • Look at pictures of bald eagles online. Nothing says “America” like a bald eagle.
  • Buy a pair of the pants shown in this picture and wear them literally everywhere you go. No one wants a roundhouse kick to the face while you’re wearin’ those bad boys. Forget about it!
  • Be your own firework. Cover yourself in glow sticks and dance around in the dark.
  • Speaking of dancing in the dark: Listen to a bunch of Bruce Springsteen as loud as you can.
  • Walk around saluting random objects. There’s just something about a good stiff-handed salute that says “I am proud to be an American.”
  • Dump a bunch of Mentos into a kiddie pool full of Coke.
  • Watch every Steven Seagal movie.
  • Wear a life jacket. Few things are more patriotic than refusing to die.
  • Pen your own poetic interpretation of the Declaration of Independence.
  • Host a literal birthday party for the United States of America. Heck, you’ve got the backyard for it.
  • Do a backflip.
  • Smash a watermelon.
  • Visit a dam or Corps of Engineers recreation site. The Corps helped build this nation. That’s pretty patriotic … Right? Guys??
  • Write a thank you letter to the U.S. of A telling it how grateful you are for your many freedoms.
  • BONUS POINTS: Share a pic or video of you doing one or more of these things.

Sure, that's funny, but they have a serious reason for the tongue-in-cheek tips.

"Many counties and cities across our area have banned the use of fireworks this year. And for good reason," they wrote. "Last year, we experienced the worst wildfire season in our state’s history and, much more recently, the hottest temperatures ever recorded for many parts of the region. Put simply, the conditions are perfect for a fire to start."

That's a pretty good reason to be careful, they wrote.

"So please, be careful and exercise caution as you go about your Fourth of July celebrations," the post states. "Let’s each do our part to protect this land we all love. Nothing is more patriotic than that."

Here's the post; if you can't see it below, click here.

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